Wednesday, May 29, 2013

My dirty secret.

Confession time ladies.

I'm only coming clean because after a chat session with some friends I learned a dirty secret, and it's one that I shared with them.  After hearing the guilt that these other moms felt and knowing first hand what that guilt feels like, I think it should be open for discussion.  Since it's a rather personal topic, I'll only be using my own story.  My secret is that I wasn't happy when I found out I was pregnant again.  I was MANY things, but happy wasn't one of them.  It took almost 5 months for my feelings to make a huge change.  Before you judge, read my story.

I didn't want any more children.  My husband did.  We had any conversations about it and I felt like our family was complete.  He had always envision having 3 kids.  I am one of five kids.  My mom was completely spent when the day was done and I didn't want that.  We managed two so well that I was comfy.  Ben had always said that he didn't want to have anymore children after the age of 28, and that number was rapidly approaching.  I figured if I could just wait out the next year, kids would be off the table without me feeling like I totally denied him.

When the baby discussion came up again in 2012, I was in school working towards a Facial Specialist License and I told him I wanted to work in my field for a bit before we decided on anything.  That bought e a few months.  Then our youngest started school and we both enjoyed the freedom, and that bought me a few more.  But then, in October I found out that I was pregnant.  We weren't trying, it was just a contraception fail.

It was a HORRIBLE time to get pregnant.  My husband lost his job, and I still hadn't found any work in my new field and was working part time for just over minimum wage at Blockbuster.  We had to move in with his parents.  It was a tough pill to swallow, but then coupled with a now growing baby, it was just one blow after another.  I am pro-choice.  I have always supported a woman's right to choose, but I myself could never have an abortion.  So I was stuck.

My husband, friends and mom were over the moon.  I wasn't, but I threw on a smile and let the share their joy.  I was overcome with feeling of guilt, panic and sadness.  I felt like the life I had envisioned for us was now even further away.  My sweet husband looked me in the eyes, promised me that he would personally see to that not being true. He said that this baby was meant to happen.  That it was fate.  I would later believe this.

Anyway, we went to appointments and I still just felt overwhelmed.  We did an ultrasound at just around 2 months because of pains I had been having and even after seeing it...nothing.  I had been having dreams that the baby was born with a mermaid like tail.  It only added to my anxiety.

So at 18 weeks we did our anatomy ultrasound and things changed instantly.  I had talked with the ultrasound tech about my nightmares and she was very sweet.  She found baby's leg and even printed it out.  Baby had TWO long beautiful legs.  I even got to see his cute little toes.  From the moment I saw that long stretched out leg, I was both relieved and FINALLY happy.  I was 5 months pregnant and it finally hit me the way it hit everyone else.  We recently did a 3-D ultrasound, and I saw his beautiful face.  I went from being happy to utterly in love.  Now, I can't wait for him to be here.  I can't wait to see, hold, smell, feed and be woken up by him.

Here's where I feel he was meant to be a part of this family.  He is due on the day that my husband turns 28. That's right, our first son is due on my husbands birthday, and just at the cutoff.  We moved out of my in-laws in February of this year and the house we are renting is owned by a woman who says she was EXACTLY where we where at our age.  Two kids, living with her husbands parent and with one on the way.  My husband found a job, and since day one it has gone well (knock on wood).  He went from grill cook to manager in 2 months.  He kept his promise and then some.  It's felt like things had fallen into place and the crazy part is that they KEEP falling into place (knock on wood).  Not one thing has told me that Nixon wasn't meant to be except me.

Now, as my due date draws closer, I can't picture a life without a son for my husband and I and a brother for my girls.  I should feel bad that I was so reluctant and sad, but I don't.  I knew that I wasn't alone.  I still know that.  It's okay to feel lost when things get flipped on its ear.  It is okay to mourn the loss of a dream or delay of a goal.  Babies are blessings, if not for you then for someone else.  That said, when one unexpectedly becomes a part of your life, you are then faced with a list of choices.  Each one a hurdle, and accompanied by a new emotion.  I wish that I could say that I regret having been so sad and dismayed.  The simple fact is that I can't.  Maybe my sadness created a new appreciation for the life I've been growing.  Maybe it has helped to strengthen a bond.  I know that it has for my relationship with my husband.

I've learned that lots of women have felt this way.  Quite a few in my varied social circles.  Most of them felt shame for their feelings.  Find someone who will listen, and do so without judging.  I can only hope that when my son is born, and I look into his eyes that I won't feel guilty for what I felt before.

Until Later Chickadees

Monday, May 27, 2013

A letter to false labor

UPDATE:  12 days until my due date!!  That means that I feel like bloated, moody, exhausted crap held together by maternity jeans.

So at around 1:30 a.m. this morning, I started feeling like all around misery.  I was having stomach cramps and nausea followed by what felt like contractions.  They weren't much stronger than my normal Braxton-Hicks.  Then 5:45 a.m. rolled around and it was still going.  I called my midwife, who promptly told me to get some rest and to call her later to give her an update.  She was a great calm, reassuring force.  I already felt bad calling that early and I hate calling in general because I always feel like I'm being paranoid.  So, I got more rest and there was no change.  I called to give her the update and she told me she felt that it sounded to her like false labor.  I was bummed.  Mostly because it meant that I was feeling like shit for no reason.  I know that this last stretch of being knocked up is slow and agonizing.   I know that I'm looking for ANYTHING to indicate that "it's time!".  BUT DAMN!! Since false labor is playing with my emotions I wanted to write it a letter.  From the heart, of course.

Dear False Labor,

Thanks for existing.  No, really.  Thanks for being around.  For reminding me, and countless other desperate, miserable women that nature is a bit of a practical joker.  Because right now, as I am grasping at my sanity, I could really use a good chuckle at my uterus.  My already raging hormones could use another twist in the tracks.  I totally want to get my hopes up that this is finally it, that we will meet our newest family member in due time.  I wasn't at all on the verge of tears all night and then this afternoon when your god forsaken name was dropped.  


Doesn't matter because pregnancy is a bitch.

I'm so eager to not be pregnant that I don't give two shits about labor pains.  Desperate is ugly on everyone, and I'm wearing it.  Cross your fingers for me would ya?

Hugs til later