Hi, my name's Domesticated1022 and I beat myself up for my shortcomings as a mother.
I lay awake at night and meticulously go over every point of the day where I could have done better or done more. It eats me up to see moments where I could have shown more patience, or snuggled longer. I can't let go of this dirty, self destructive habit. I have no shame in saying that I strive to be Super Mom. Realistically, I know that will never happen. I am an imperfect creature. I know it but that doesn't stop me from trying to be otherwise. So when I made the same mistake not once or twice but THREE times, I really let myself have it.
My youngest daughter Son Bun recently lost a top tooth. There was a big hoopla about it because she pulled it our herself. We found the special "Tooth Box" that I made using an old earring jewelry box that's shaped like a heart, dropped the tooth in and tucked it under her pillow. Night Night Son Bun.
Well, fast forward to the next morning when she burst into my room..in tears. The tooth Fairy had forgotten her. OH. MY. GOD. How the hell did I forget!? So while Bun cried in daddy's arm, I sent Jade to comfort her too and slid into the room and dropped a dollar behind her bed. I went back into the room and told her after breakfast to go look again since maybe she was too excited and might have missed it. She went back and found the dollar. I left the tooth in the box and told her that the tooth fairy must have forgotten the tooth in all the rush. She bought it.
Less, than two weeks later...same damned problem. Forget, tears, dollar hidden somewhere not too obvious. I couldn't wrap my head around how I could let it happen twice, and Ben had to talk me off the ledge. He told me I had just spent the last few weeks helping the girls make dioramas and a Betsy Ross costume, and how Nixon had just gotten another round of shots. That Nixon's restlessness meant I too was restless. Bless my husband because I had two crying girls to calm down that day. It goes without saying that I am sure I was a bigger mess.
Last night, another tooth. Another night I forgot. By the tie Nixon falls asleep, it's around 4 a.m. and I get up and stay up at 7:30 in the morning. I'm told lack of sleep can cause forgetfulness (oh, and I googled it to be sure lol). When Bun woke up this morning, she walked in with a fed up look on her face and I told her that it was still dark out. It was around 5 a.m. and I convinced her to give the tooth fairy more time. She climbed back into bed and I waited, fighting sleep with every ounce in me, for her to fall asleep. I crept in performed the switch and crash-landed onto my own bed. Ben covered my shift this morning so I could sleep in a bit and after a while came in to make sure I wasn't on the verge of another episode. I lied and said no.
All day, I have been letting myself have it for slacking. I can't even find comfort in using lack of sleep as an excuse. I don't want to blame the baby. I keep having this internal freak out that when she's older, and knows the boring truth about the good ol' tooth wrangler, that she will be hurt by my forgetfulness. I can only hope that's not the case.
We, as mothers all have our short comings, our moments of failure or defeat. It's another reason why I'm so adamant that we support each other and provide and ear or shoulder to our fellow warriors. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who understands my sick need for perfection and a great group of friends, some with and without kids, who listen and help me laugh.
Have any of you had an Oops moment? How have you lived it down or does it still haunt you? Do you have and awesome support system?
More hugs til later,