Friday, April 19, 2013

My kids are jerks and that's cuz Karma

Let me be clear, my kids are awesome (most days) and they really are the light of my life.

With that out of the way, let's get real.

After a nice long conversation with a few friends of mine, I've converted them into believers of Kid Karma.  It's a simple concept, and I'll open with an example.  I have 3 brothers, and only one of them is older then me, his name is Alan.  He was my best friend for a loooong time but before that, he was my sworn enemy.  Our battles are always fresh in my mind.  He was the destroyer of Barbies, the beheader of teddies and an all around super douche.  So, on a regular basis, I would steal that bastards toys.  His favorites too.  I would hide them in bushes, in cabinets and on several occasions I would put them somewhere that would get him in trouble.  Payback is a bitch.  Now here's where kid karma has come into play.  My youngest daughter Sonnie is a sweet sensitive girl.  Her feelings are easily hurt and she likes to lash hiding things.  Yesterday, after being scolded by Ben, she took his wallet and hid it.  It took us at least an hour of combined efforts to find it.  On another occasion she hid what can only be described as my right hand, my phone.  This she hid at the bottom of a laundry basket.  Now, I USED TO consider myself a pro when I was a kid, but I have NOTHING on this 5 year old girl.  Nothing.  She is the Albert Einstein of payback hiding.  I give the girl props. 

So, to sum it up, Kid Karma is universal payback for any shenanigans/tomfoolery you may have committed as a kid yourself.  Except worse. My kids are jerks.  I talked with a friend of mind and mentioned the fact that my oldest daughter Jade, lets me get away with nothing.  She is a know it all, and the worst part is, she's actually very bright.  She has an IMPECCABLE memory.  She can visit her grandfathers house in May and in October, point out everything that has moved or changed.  This has been both a blessing and a curse because it's not just with locations, it's with words too.  You tell this girl something, and its stored in the vault.  I have my mothers memory.  If I don't write it down, its gone forever, lost behind doctors appointments, recipes, PTA duties and blah blah blah.  So when I say that we will Go to Michael's to do arts and crafts on Saturday and instead I forget and take the to the farmers market that morning, I will not live it down.  She will without mercy, tell me how I didn't keep my word.  So then the next Saturday, when I do take them Michael's, it's "*sigh* I wonder what they did last weekend.  I bet it was something really cool and that they wont do it again *sigh*"  or "Now, I only have one craft when I could have had two".  Jerk move.  This kind of crap sends me into a full blown rage.  I want to grab her, shake the living shit out of her and yell "I TOOK YOU TO THE DAMN FARMERS MARKET, BOUGHT YOU SHIT THERE AND TOOK YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS TO TARGET TO BUY A TOY YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE...YA JERK!".  But, I can't/won't.  I calmly remind her that she had fun last weekend and didn't even remember about Michael's until the end of the day and that I'll be more than happy to take away everything I got her last week if she doesn't show some appreciation for it.  This is usually enough of a wake up call for her to get her shit together and drop it.  This again, is my karmic payback.  My brothers and I would spend hours ripping into my mom behind her back about any broken promise (big or small and if you know my youngest brother, ask him about Flipper).  It was never to her face, because she scared the living hell out of us and was an avid ass whooper.  AVID.  Now the universe has seen fit to provide me with a little me, only more ballsy.  Because she does it to my face and with zero finesse. Ben and I don't spank unless the situation calls for it after several warning and punishments, and only as a last resort.  Once hand hits bottom, the offense is usually never committed again.  I'm a fan of the actions speak louder then words.

Right now, as I type this, the kids are in their room wearing Ben and mines shoes and mocking us.  Sonnie is me and she has said the following:
  • I need a nap
  • This baby is killing me! (I'm 8 months pregnant and the baby is one hell of a kicker).

Jade is Ben and she has said:
  • I work too much (this is true but my husband is not the kind of guy who could ever be retired or even on vacation too long)
  • I'm going skateboarding
  • (Fart noises) *my personal favorite* 
Jerks.  Both of them.
They aren't always this annoying.  They are very sweet.  Yesterday, after what was my worst case of vomiting ever (and this includes hangovers!), Sonnie brought me a cup of water and a not that read "This is bad :(" and left it outside the bathroom door.  That was unprompted and incredibly sweet.  Jade often looks out for Sonnie and if Sonnie misses school Jade always runs to her first and says how much she missed her at school today.  The love we feel for one another is always clear.  I love you is peppered throughout the day between all of us for no reason other than we mean it.  We regularly get told from friends how sweet and well behaved or well mannered they are.  We beam with pride.  

Is this the way that kids are?  I'm due to have our first boy in 50 days (GULP!!) and I cant wait to no longer be the reason behind the all the general naughtiness.  My husband and his brothers were a handful to put it mildly.  Is the snarkiness I'm faced with just one of the things I have to deal with because I have daughters?  Or is it Kid Karma?  Do the kids in your life test you like no other?  Is your kid, the living embodiment of all your childhood wrong doings?  Mine sure as hell are :)

Hugs til later,

Don't be fooled by these two.  They're trouble in ponytails.

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